Well, now I just might have ruined things for good. I may talk but I never wanted to. I'm such a dumbass.

Wow, I'm really... confused. I'm not mad anymore. Not for the moment. We talked last night and I actually told her lots of the things I've been holding back. But, then I felt guilty. She says she's trying. And if that's the truth, that's really all I can ask for, right? But how can I tell if she's trying when as soon as we get back to a normal day, she acts like she always does. But I can't just do what people tell me to. I can't do what even my brain's telling me to do. She is my best friend. I'd like it to stay that way, and believe it or not, I want her happy. I just wish she could be happy without crushing people. Or lying to make herself feel better. She says she's fine, doesn't care, but then she tells me later she does, she's afraid.

Well, fuck, tell me that in the first place. Even though I can usually figure it out on my own, despite what she thinks. I don't know... she is the word hypocrite. But I love her anyway. We have so much fun, we're a dynamic duo, I can't destroy that even if I maybe should for my own well-being. I just wish people wouldn't sympathize with her so much. i mean, I know, the majority of people actually don't like her that much, luckily, she doesn't really care anymore. But the people who are close to us say "Take Trish out to eat, she's having a bad day." "Well, Trish is shy with that kind of thing." Um, no and no! One: she's almost always having a bad day, and I do every once in awhile too. Course. I cover it. So one can know. So blah to that one. And Trish may be shy about it, but she just bragged about how she's NOT. How she's had practice and can do that kind of thing. So sure, she's shy, but somehow, I don't pity her much. I don't know. I'm not really mad now though. I don't want to be ever, but I am. She's not the only one with a temper.

EDIT: Oh yeah, I got an excellent at solo/ensemble. Little disappointed because I wanted that letter and I'm used to being on top. But quite excited and relieved that I got through it fairly well. Soloing just isn't my thing. Oh well. Got some good tips. And now I know I can do it when I have to.

I should really remember that here is the place to rant. Not to Ryan. poor guy, he didn't tell me he was going through so much and then I whine and vent all my pitiful woes to him which makes him worry about me. I really appreciate it, but I feel bad. But if our positions were reversed I'd want him to vent no matter how I was feeling, so I guess I'll let it go.

I really have no clue how I feel about anything anymore. I'm just going through the motions. Everything's tense. It's not supposed to be, but it always is now. She'll hate me soon, I can feel it. But I don't care. I can act like a selfish bitch if I want to. She's had her turns. When have I ever done this to her? I can't even recall anything big. Ever. I wasn't going to post this here because there's the risk of ruining everything, but they probably won't see it. No one reads this anymore. And I almost secretly hope they do. Then I don't have to tell them to their faces. Ryan, I hope you don't mind, I'm just going to paste what I wrote in the letter to you. I'm too worn to type it all out again. *hug* You're the best, don't forget that, buddy.

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Hullo, Ryan.

Well, first off, I'm feeling much better today, I guess. Maybe because I'm not nearly as exhausted. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. You're one of the very few people I can still spill my guts to, so I hope you don't mind.

First off, my dad's being a real shit head lately. You know how parents can be, and you know how my dad really rubs me the wrong way. Nothing really specific going on there, but he just mocks whatever I'm going through and makes everything else 10 times harder to deal with. I can't snap at him either though because he thinks he knows it all and then I just get sent to my room.

But the main thing.... yes, you've heard it a bunch, is Trish. And Whit. They just won't... stop. That good mood I was in Friday and Saturday didn't last long. Feelings from Chicago still loom over my head. They basically ignored me that whole trip. The bus ride, the walking around, at the hotel, whenever. Trish was a bitch then and it pissed me off. So much. So much I almost decided that'd be it. But I can't do it. I can't figure out who else I'd hang out with. I meet them before school walk with them to class between almost every period, have jazz with them after school 2 days a week... I can't just start avoiding her. I talked to her and we both ended up in tears. She says they'll work on it, but as soon as she's with him, I'm worthless. When we met him, suddenly I find out out Trish supposedly likes all these things that Whit does. She now puts me down for stuff that I like and she doesn't if Whit is on her side. Now that she's got me outnumbered, she must be right. *rolls her eyes* I can't stand it. My mom tells me that Trish is selfish and only thinks about herself. But I can't get myself to say anything because then Trish will get all depressed. Which make me even MORE pissed off, because she tells me crap all the time without a second thought! I know she treats me like shit, but it's like she's sucked me into feeling sorry for her and I can't do a thing about it. I'd be able to get away from it if I just had someone else to depend on... which brings me to my next issue.

I'm feeling horrible lately. I feel like not a guy in the world will ever like me again. My dad keeps making me self-conscious about my appearance, Trish makes me feel like dirt, and as much as I try, I can't get up the courage to ask a guy out. I'm hesitant, because last time I thought a guy might like me and I almost asked him out, he ended up asking my best friend out. I normally don't dwell on this stuff, but when I don't have anyone, not even a best friend.... what do I do? So I just... need someone, you know? I mean, things so far have been going okay with Matt, we're becoming good friends, but that's all I can seem to become with guys. Heh, bet this is a bit awkward for you, but I'm too worn out to hold it in anymore. I didn't care when I had my friend to confide in, and who was on my side. And Trish is being smiley and trying to help me move things along with Matt, but then when I start talking about him, she just says "uh huh" and changes the subject. But of course, she never shuts up about Whit.

Hm... usually my ranting has a point... or at least a climax. I don't even know what I have or haven't said. I think of all these things to say at night, then forget them when I get in front of the PC. But yeah, I won't bore you with details, I think you get the drift.

But now, Whit is wondering if he still likes Trish like he did before. Weird, as soon as he said that, I felt angry toward him because he can never make up his mind. He had decided we'd all stay friends, then he liked Trish. That hurt. So I don't want his indecisiveness to hurt Trish. I was so worn out and sick out it I cracked on him last night, but then ended up apologizing and giving him advice. He felt bad and was mad at himself for feeling that way. It's his first relationship, and he didn't know that it's okay to have doubts every so often and to be nervous, or not know what to do. So I think he's alright now. But Trish didn't come to school today after finding out how he felt last night. She told me she stayed home to study. Yeah, study my ass. I kept trying to push her to admit what was wrong and she got pissed. But I didn't care. She always forces me to tell her what's up. Either that or she tells me to chill out. So I gave her a bit of her own medicine. She hates that. Ugh. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. But I told her that I talked to Whit and tried to reassure her that things were okay. She left. *sighs*

There.... heh, i don't mean to load all this off onto you, but like I said before, there's really no one else to talk to. Hope you understand. And thanks so much for being here. Heh, you're one of the best friends a gal could have. But if I keep going I'm really going to make a fool out of myself. So I'll stop now and hit send. Thanks for listening.

~Megan

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There. It's out. Now I'm going to bed and praying to my stuffed animals that I do decently and don't freak at the solo/ensemble contest tomorrow. I hate my nerves. I hate you it freaks me out. I hate myself sometimes....